Hello Faith,
My sister has changed. She used to be my best friend, but now she’s distant and cold. She’s always busy with her boyfriend or her friends, and she never has time for me.
I don’t know what happened. She used to be so close to me. We would talk about everything, and we would always be there for each other. But now, she’s like a different person.
I’ve tried to talk to her about it, but she just brushes me off. She says that she’s just busy, and that she still loves me. But I don’t feel it.
I’m starting to feel really lonely and isolated. I don’t have anyone else to talk to about how I’m feeling. I’m not sure what to do. Could you give me some advice, please?
Amelia, 27, Newcastle
Dear Amelia,
Interestingly, this is a problem that lots of people ask me about – it is so hard when a relationship changes and we feel like it has not changed for the better. I feel for you, I really do.
You haven’t told me your sister’s age – I am assuming that she’s older than you, and that she’s always been the one who is there for you, able to help and support and guide you, as well as being your friend. If this is the case, it must be even harder for you – to lose someone we see as a mentor as well as a friend is extra tricky.
The thing to remember is, as harsh as this may sound, your sister is a person too, and she has her own wants, needs and feelings. She says that she still loves you, and I have no doubt that this is true…
But sometimes people just need a bit of space. It could be that she is really enjoying time with her boyfriend (often when people get into a new relationship they slightly neglect the old ones; this is normal and natural, however hurtful it is for those of us who are not in the relationship!)
You do have to allow her this space, and not try to stop her from being with her boyfriend or her friends. Making a gigantic fuss about it will make her feel resentful about spending time with you, as she would be doing it out of a sense of obligation, not actually wanting to do it. Have you heard the phrase “If you love something, let it go”?
You’re not letting her go forever, or pretending that your relationship is not really important – you are allowing her her freedom and independence, as I hope that she allows yours.
It’s really hard to juggle everything in this world, where we have demands on our time from work, socialising, partners and family. I would suggest that you simply give her some time and space.
Have you thought about going out a bit more yourself? You say that you don’t have anyone to talk to about this – it would probably help you if you had a trusted friend, family member or even a work colleague to share your experiences with.
It is definitely worth investigating new hobbies or interests that are just for you. This will help to “fill your cup” and while it won’t replace your sister, it will give you something more for yourself, and something interesting to talk to her about when you guys get the chance to hang out together.
All the very best to you Amelia.
Faith
