Hello Faith,
My partner keeps lying to me. I don’t know what to do. I love him, but I can’t trust him.
It all started with small lies. He would tell me he was working late when he was really out with friends. Or he would say he was going to the gym when he was actually at a bar.
At first, I tried to ignore it. I told myself that everyone lies sometimes. But the lies got bigger and bigger.
One time, he told me that he had to go out of town on a business trip. But when I checked his phone records, I saw that he had been in the town the whole time.
I’m starting to feel like I can’t trust anything he says. I’m constantly doubting him and wondering what he’s up to.
I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he always denies it. He says that I’m being paranoid and that I need to trust him more.
But I don’t know how I can trust him when he keeps lying to me. What do you think?
Sara, 50, Bristol
Dear Sara,
I’m sorry to hear that you feel you can’t trust your partner – your feelings are entirely valid, especially if you have caught him out in lies before.
I know you’ve said that you’ve tried to talk to him, but as this is escalating and causing problems in your relationship, the only thing you can do is sit him down and talk to him – call him out on this behaviour and let him know this is really not OK. Choose a time free from all distractions, when neither of you are rushing to go anywhere. Make it clear to him that this is something that is seriously affecting you, and be very clear about what you want.
Also, make it clear that you do love him, and that you want the relationship to work, but you are struggling with this issue because it (understandably) erodes your trust in him. If he knows that you love and support him, and you’re not looking to break up, he will almost certainly be less defensive about a conversation about his behaviour.
It may help you to jot down a few notes before the conversation, so you don’t get confused in the moment. Ask him why he feels the need to lie to you – there may be a simple explanation, such as he wants a little more time apart from you – this can actually be really healthy in a relationship, although it sounds scary. Maybe he wants more time to pursue a new hobby, or time alone with his thoughts?
Counselling is another great option; you will have to get your husband to agree to it, but if he is as committed to the relationship as you are, then he will go along to help you guys work out your issues together. Having a trained therapist in the room while you discuss problems with your marriage can really help; it gives you both a chance to say your piece, and it can also help you get out of communication ruts that you might have unwittingly fallen into.
There is something that concerns me about your husband’s behaviour – it is his way of turning things around so it sound like you are the one at fault. His saying that you are just being “paranoid” and that you need to trust him more is actually gaslighting behaviour – he is making you feel as though the problem is yours, so that he can continue with his unwanted behaviour.
Gaslighting is actually a pretty dangerous thing to do to someone else, and if it continues it can leave you feeling confused, upset, and can start to erode your self confidence.
Stand firm – you love him and you want the relationship to work, but it is absolutely right that you do not deserve to be lied to – after all, what is a relationship without trust? Trust is one of the fundamental pillars of a healthy, successful relationship, so make sure that he steps up and starts treating you with more respect.
I wish you well.
Faith
