Hello Faith,
My partner has taken to calling me a narcissist lately. At first, I brushed it off, thinking it was just a throwaway comment. But, it’s become a regular occurrence, and I can’t help but wonder if there’s any weight to it. We’ve been together for three years, and honestly, until recently, I thought things were going rather swimmingly.
But now, every time we have a disagreement, or I express a strong opinion, out comes the “narcissist” label. I’ll admit, I’ve always been confident and perhaps a tad bit self-assured. I’ve had my successes, especially in my career as a marketing manager, and I’m proud of them. But does that make me narcissistic? I’ve always been there for my partner, celebrated her achievements, and tried to be as supportive as possible.
I’m confused. I genuinely want to understand where she is coming from. Is it just a communication breakdown? Or are there aspects of my behaviour I’m not seeing? I’d rather know and work on them than remain in the dark.
Liam, 34, Brighton
Dear Liam,
Thank you for your question – it’s really nice to see that you are being thoughtful and caring and working on yourself.
I have to say first off, that you are almost certainly not the narcissist. Would you believe it, yours truly was often called this in a previous relationship, and like you I doubted myself and got very worried about that possibility that I was a difficult or damaging person who could be hurting the ones I loved. So I took an online quiz (search for one of these, they are interesting and may well put your mind to rest) and do you know what it said right at the end? “If you are taking this quiz because someone has called you a narcissist, it is not YOU who is the narcissist. It is THEM.”
Let that sink in for a moment. What do you know about narcissistic behaviour? It generally shows a lack of interest or empathy for another person, and a strong refusal to think that there is anything wrong with them. You do not sound to me like someone who is a narcissist – you are showing empathy, honesty and you are trying to better yourself. If you were a narcissist, you would not be writing to me asking if you were one!
There is nothing wrong with being proud of your achievements in life – in fact this should definitely be celebrated. Being successful does not make you a narcissist. Knowing that you are successful does not make you a narcissist. Bragging about your achievements and completely ignoring everyone else does have an air of narcissist about it – but it doesn’t sound like this is what you are doing.
I’m really pleased to hear that you feel you are supportive to your partner – this goes a long way to making the other person feel appreciated, and will help to form a good, healthy relationship where both parties feel respected and cared about.
There is more and more information out there about different personality types and different behaviours that people exhibit, and this is great – but I do feel that sometimes people will latch onto a word or a phrase without fully understanding its meaning.
It could be that your partner is not using the word correctly, so perhaps discussing with her what she actually means when she calls you a narcissist may clear some things up. Expressing an opinion is not necessarily narcissistic behaviour!
If she is certain that your behaviour is narcissistic and she is not happy about it, then there is definitely a need for further discussion. It may benefit you both to go for counselling, where a fully trained therapist can help you to get to the root of your problems, and work through them so that you can be as happy as you can be – whether that is together or apart.
Good luck!
Faith
