Hello Faith,
I’ve been dating my partner for a year now, and I’m starting to realize that he may be emotionally immature. He’s a great guy in many ways, but he has a hard time communicating his feelings, dealing with stress, and taking responsibility for his actions.
For example, if we have an argument, he’ll often shut down and refuse to talk about it. Or, he’ll blame me for everything that goes wrong. He also has a habit of making promises that he doesn’t keep, and he’s not very good at managing his money.
I’m starting to feel frustrated and drained by his behaviour. I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells around him, and I never know when he’s going to have an outburst. I’m also worried that his emotional immaturity is going to hold us back from having a serious relationship.
I’m not sure what to do. I love my partner, and I want to make the relationship work. But I’m also starting to realise that I may not be able to handle his emotional immaturity for the rest of my life.
What advice would you give me?
Sophie, 32, Hull
Dear Sophie,
Thanks for reaching out – it can be really hard to see the flaws in a partner, especially in a relatively new relationship.
It sounds like the rose-tinted glasses are slipping, and now that your relationship is no longer in the “honeymoon stage” that you are noticing things about your partner that are less than ideal. Emotional immaturity is a tricky thing to deal with, as it can make one of the most fundamental parts of a relationship – talking, sharing feelings and discussing things – incredibly difficult.really important things like how you are feeling. If your partner is not willing to have any sort of dialogue about feelings then it may be hard for you to maintain the relationship.
Communication is one of the bedrocks of a successful relationship. You have to be able to talk – about the weather, and what to have for dinner, of course, but also about the big feelings.
Let’s play devil’s advocate for a moment here. It may be that your partner was brought up in an unsupportive environment, where discussing feelings was seen as taboo, or brushed under the carpet. When people are brought up this way, they often take the behaviour into adulthood.
It does sound a little as if he is stuck in a childhood/teenager sort of mindset when you say that he is not good at managing his finances, or breaking promises as well as shutting down. It could be that he just needs a little time to grow up and experience the challenges that life can throw at us.
Blaming other people for the problems that we ourselves have is another sign of emotional immaturity, and you say that your partner blames you for everything. This is not only uncomfortable to go through, but it can also leave you concerned that you really are the problem, and that it is all your fault.
I am not giving your partner excuses, just trying to find a way that we can understand the behaviour better, because understanding it is the key to fixing it. I often recommend couple’s counselling, because having a trained professional talk you through ways that you can improve your relationship is very helpful indeed, and it sounds as though you and your partner may benefit from this approach.
Remember that life changes constantly, as do we ourselves. You may have changed from when you first embarked on this relationship, and you may be no longer willing to overlook the issues that (presumably) were already present in the relationship when you started out. In case you need to hear it, I’m going to tell you that you don’t have to make the relationship work, if it is not working for you.
Best of luck, Sophie.
Faith
