Hello Faith,
I’ve been with my partner for two years now, and I’m starting to worry about the fact that he has no friends. He’s a great guy in many ways, but he’s always been a bit of a loner. He doesn’t have any close friends, and he doesn’t seem to be interested in making any new ones.
At first, I thought it was just his personality. But over time, I’m starting to realise that his lack of friends is having a negative impact on our relationship. I feel like I’m the only person he has to talk to, and I’m starting to feel overwhelmed and suffocated.
I’ve tried to encourage him to make friends, but he always resists. He says that he doesn’t need friends, and that he’s perfectly happy spending time with me and our pets. But I know that’s not true. Everyone needs friends, and I’m worried that his isolation is going to take a toll on him in the long run.
I’m not sure what to do. I love my partner, and I want to support him. But I also need to take care of my own mental health. I’m starting to feel resentful of the fact that I’m the only one who has to put in effort to maintain our social life.
What advice would you give me?
Zara, 31, Liverpool
Dear Zara,
Hmmm, that’s a tricky problem. First of all, I really hear and understand what you are saying – as someone with a good bunch of lovely, supportive friends, I find it hard to see why someone would not want to enjoy this wonderful feeling! But on the other hand, it may be that your partner really is happy without a close friends circle.
Some people are loners, and as you say, it can just be their personality. Some people can struggle with emotional intimacy, and because we are generally pretty intimate with our friends, this can put them off.
Have you noticed that your partner has any kind of social anxiety? It could be that the thought of going out there and making new friends simply scares him – a lot of people in this world have this problem.
I can really understand how this is making you feel suffocated. It’s really hard – and, frankly, not very natural – to have to be someone’s only social contact. It can make you feel as though you have to shoulder all the burdens yourself, and that your husband is just not willing to share with anyone else.
I wonder if this situation is starting to make you feel resentful because you are the only one who is able to support your partner? It sounds as though you having to be there all the time to support your partner may be taking its toll on you. That, again, is completely understandable!
If he is completely unwilling to make new friends, it may be worth the two of you going out to new places together, so that he has your support. Think of it like settling a toddler into a nursery – initially the parents are encouraged to stay, before they slowly start to leave the child for longer and longer periods of time. I’m sorry for making your partner sound like a toddler, I know he isn’t – but the basic principle is the same!
Does your partner have any hobbies that he enjoys? Perhaps encouraging him to make more time for these could be a way of getting him to become more sociable. Again, you may have to tag along for a little bit, maybe help him to start a conversation by casually starting one yourself.
Is your partner close to his family? If he has a large, loving family then maybe he does not feel the need for friends. Conversely, if his family are cold, emotionally unavailable or even abusive, it could explain why he finds it difficult to make friends.
It’s great that you are aware of your own needs enough to know that you need to look after yourself – after all, we cannot pour from an empty cup, and you yourself need to feel happy and fulfilled in order to be able to support your partner.
I am assuming that you have friends whom you see on a regular basis – does your partner accompany you or does he stay home alone? If he comes with you, perhaps make a show of telling that you need some time just with your friends. This may gently nudge him into realising that spending time with friends is actually very beneficial.
Good luck.
Faith
