Hello Faith,
My partner and I have been together for a wonderful five years. We’ve got this lovely flat in the heart of London, and what feels like a life full of promise. But, and there’s always a ‘but’ isn’t there?
The topic of kids, or rather the lack of them, has become a sticking point. Ever since I was a young girl, I’ve dreamt of being a mum – the tantrums, the cuddles, the lot. I even have a sneaky list of baby names in my bedside drawer (a bit daft, I know!). My partner, on the other hand, is quite firm in his stance of not wanting any little ones. He had a tricky upbringing, and I reckon he’s a bit fearful of passing on those patterns. Plus, he’s incredibly dedicated to his work, and he feels he won’t be able to juggle that with being a dad.
I’m in a proper muddle, Faith. I love my partner. Yet, this feels like a massive gap in our shared dreams. I’m fretting about potential future regrets and strains. Can two people who adore each other still be on entirely different pages?
Emily, 35, London
Dear Emily,
How lovely to hear that you are in a happy, loving relationship! You both sound like you are dedicated to each other, and you have definitely made a good life together.
The kids issue is a big one though, isn’t it?
It’s very hard when one partner wants kids but the other does not. Sometimes people aren’t sure, but it sounds like your partner is taking the “hard no” stance. If you want to stay with him, does this mean you have to put your dreams aside?
Well, brace yourself – maybe it does. If having kids is something that is essential to your and your happiness, and your partner is firm on saying no, you’re kind of in a stalemate. You will have to weigh up what is more important to you – having a family or being with the man you love.
I hear what your partner is saying – he is worried about repeating patterns that he saw in his own childhood. That is a valid concern. However, it’s often the case that people are so aware of trying not to act a certain way that they take great steps to make sure they don’t, and the patterns simply stop.
I’m not saying that, if you do have kids, they will not be messed up by your actions – a great therapist I know once told me that we all, no matter how hard we try not to, mess up our kids! Obviously we all do whatever we can to make sure our children grow up happy, loved and well-balanced, but everyone has their own individual personality, and different traumas and life experiences can shape us over time.
Your partner is certainly not alone in worrying that having children will make work a little more tricky – we all have to make sacrifices for our kids. I am assuming that you would be the stay at home parent while he still went out to work? Many, many couples can have a family while still being dedicated to their work – I actually feel like this is a little bit of an excuse on your partner’s part.
I hear that you are worried about possibly having regrets as you get older if you don’t have kids – sadly there’s no way of knowing what might happen in the future, so it’s infinitely possible that you will wake up one day a feel like you’ve wasted your life, if you don’t have little mini-me’s running around.
It’s also possible that you might regret having kids – they are noisy and demanding and hard work! Obviously they are life-changingly amazing as well, but they are difficult, especially in the first few years. Maybe you’ll be perfectly happy with a peaceful life with your partner, loving on all your friends’ kids instead?
Sometimes people can change their minds over time. You are still young; it may be that your partner will feel differently in a couple of years. However, do you really want to wait around and discover that he actually isn’t going to want children, ever?
It’s time for a really serious discussion with your partner. If having kids is very important to you, you are going to need to tell him, in no uncertain words, and you are both going to have to work out what it is that you want in the relationship – and if it’s going to work for both of you, long term. Good luck, let me know what you decide!
Faith
