Hello Faith,
I’m feeling pretty down lately and could really use your advice. My parents haven’t been the most emotionally supportive, and it’s starting to get to me.
Like, when I told them about failing my math test, they just rolled their eyes and said, “You should’ve studied harder.” It’s hard to feel like I can open up to them about anything.
You’ve been through stuff like this before, right? Do you have any tips on how to deal with it? Maybe you know how to talk to them so they’ll actually listen? Or do you have any ideas on how to cope and find support elsewhere?
I’d really appreciate your advice.
Tom, 24, Cardiff
Dear Tom,
Wow, that sounds rough – I’m really sorry that you are feeling this way. Yes, I have experienced this sort of thing before, and I think I have some tips that I think can help you out. It is a horrible feeling when the ones you love the most are not being supportive – it can make you feel sad, worthless and as if there is no point in even trying. I’m here to tell you that there is a point, and the last thing you should do is give up!
First of all, have you tried talking to your parents about how they are making you feel? I’m certain that they love you and want only the best for you, but they may not be aware of how their behaviour is affecting you – especially if this is not a new pattern that you are noticing.
Make an official “date” with them, perhaps over dinner at a nice restaurant, or choose an evening at home where there are no other commitments. Try to keep calm when you are talking – I know this will be an emotional time for you, but getting angry or upset will make them feel as though they have to be on the defensive.
It might help to make some notes beforehand too, so that you don’t get tongue-tied in the moment, or forget what it is that you want to talk about.
If you have already tried this or it doesn’t work, it may be time to bring out the big guns and suggest some form of family therapy. A qualified therapist will be able to guide the conversation and help you all to get the most out of the situation, and will also be able to offer helpful tips on communicating in the future.
Therapy for yourself is also a great idea, even if your parents refuse to attend with you – you can definitely find some useful tips on how to cope with the situation, as well as how to navigate it in the future.
Being open and honest about how you are feeling, and what can be done to improve the situation is absolutely key. Also, do try to ensure that you are not actively blaming your parents for everything. Alright, maybe you should have studied more for your maths test, but they should know that their response to your failing it is not helpful.
After all, we can all only flourish when we are emotionally nourished and supported, right? Maybe your parents should be told that if they can support you better then you will be able to do better in the future.
Playing the blame game is not a helpful solution to anything – you can all hold your hands up and admit that you can all do things better – this is the path to true understanding, and hopefully an improvement of the situation.
You seem like a kind, caring young man, and I do hope you and your parents find the solutions that you need. Let me know the outcome, and I hope for a positive future for you.
Faith
