Hello Faith,
I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now and need to vent. My kids (two, 11- and 8- years old, boys) are driving me crazy! I feel like I’m constantly yelling at them, and nothing I do seems to work.
I’m starting to feel really resentful and stressed. I’m not sure how to handle this anymore. Do you have any advice on how to stay calm and patient? Or maybe some tips on how to discipline them effectively without resorting to yelling?
I could really use a friend right now. Thanks for listening.
Kate, 43, Aberdeen
Hi Kate,
Thanks so much for reaching out – you are certainly not alone! Being a parent to one child is stressful enough, without adding another into the mix. I think it’s really great that you are asking for help on this issue – after all, no one wants to be “the shouty Mum” do they?
There are definitely some things you can do to help improve your situation, for both yourself and the kids, and for the wider family.
The first thing to remember is that you simply cannot pour from an empty cup. If you are feeling overwhelmed and stressed, chances are you will already be experiencing heightened feelings of “fight or flight” from your nervous system, and you will probably notice that it is getting harder and harder to stay calm.
Make sure that you have some time for yourself, either at a weekend or when the boys are at school, for a little self care. This can be something as simple as going out for nice cup of coffee, or having a long soak in a hot bath.
Are you getting the support you need? This can be very tricky, especially when both parents work or if you do not have a “village” to support you. But do try to set aside some time for you to do what you want to do, even if it is just for an hour a week.
Secondly, have you ever heard of Gentle Parenting? This is a tried and tested method which will help your children feel that they are receiving the care and attention they need, and also that they are allowed a certain amount of autonomy in their lives.
Gentle parenting’s ethos is to treat your children like people, and the theory is that they will then treat you with respect also. It’s not a quick fix but a long game, so don’t expect to see instant results overnight!
Remember that gentle parenting is not “permissive” parenting – you are not giving your children carte blanche to run roughshod over you, rather you are offering them the chance to be treated like human beings, which will in turn calm their big feelings.
There are a great many books out there on this subject, written by highly qualified people, and you are certain to be able to borrow some from your local library so that you do not have the added expense of books on top of everything else.
Another thing to try is having one to one time with each child separately – you could, for example, set aside two days in a month, one to take one child out for the day to do something that they love, and the other to do the same with the second child.
This will make each child in turn feel like they have a dedicated, special time to be with you and just you, without the need to fight with their sibling over your attention.
I very much hope that these ideas will help you, and I look forward to hearing back from you with your favourite tips.
Faith
