Hello Faith,
My husband is not talking to me. It’s been going on for a few days now. I don’t know what to do.
We had a fight on Monday night. It was nothing major, but we both got angry. I said some things that I regret, and he said some things that hurt me.
But I thought we had made up. We apologised to each other and went to bed. But the next morning, he woke up and didn’t say a word to me. He got dressed and went to work without even saying goodbye.
He’s been doing the same thing ever since. He comes home from work and goes straight to the bedroom. He won’t eat dinner with me or talk to me about anything.
I’m starting to get worried. I don’t know why he’s so angry. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he just ignores me.
I’m starting to feel like he doesn’t love me anymore. I’m so lost and confused. Can you help me?
Alice, 45, Manchester
Dear Alice,
Your letter says you are 45, so I assume your husband is a similar age – but honestly, he sounds like a toddler! Ignoring someone, even if you’ve had a nasty fight and feelings are hurt, is not a healthy way of dealing with conflict.
So, you had a fight and you both said some things that you regretted. This is completely normal in any healthy relationship – we all have arguments sometimes, and often we can say things in the heat of the moment that we really didn’t mean.
What is not fine is the behaviour that follows. Your husband needs to do some serious thinking, and working out how to better deal with conflicts – ignoring the problem is not a constructive solution.
Have you had fights before? Is this a pattern of behaviour that your husband has exhibited in the past? If so, it is definitely worth seeking out some form of counselling, to help you both work on moving forward from arguments that you may have.
On the other side of the coin, it’s only been a couple of days. I know this is not an excuse, but it could be that your husband is still feeling hurt and angry. You said that you said some things you regret – could it be that you hit a really raw nerve?
I would suggest that both of you sit down together, at a time when you have no other responsibilities or distractions, and really try to get to the root of what caused the initial fight – and owning the words that you have used.
Apologising and taking ownership of actions or words that affect other people is a big part of emotional growth and development. If you talk to your husband from the heart, and truly apologise for the things that you said, you can open the door to an honest discussion.
He needs to know that his behaviour is making you feel hurt, confused and unloved – I am sure this is not the effect he is trying to achieve. Sometimes, if one person is acting like a child, it is up to the other person to be the adult – this can help the other person realise the best way forwards, and good communication can be achieved.
It can be really hard, especially if the disagreement should be in the past, to have it thrown in your face or used against you. Try to understand the motivation behind this behaviour, then you stand a better chance of getting over it and moving past it in the future.
All the best!
Faith
