Hello Faith,
My husband argues with everything I say. It’s exhausting. I can’t have a simple conversation with him without it turning into a debate.
It doesn’t matter what the topic is, he always has to disagree with me. Even if I’m talking about something insignificant, like what to eat for dinner, he’ll find a way to argue about it.
At first, I thought it was just his personality. I thought he was just a competitive person who liked to debate. But the more time we spend together, the more I realise that it’s something more than that.
I think he’s trying to control me. He wants to be right all the time and he doesn’t want me to have my own opinions.
It’s making me feel really insecure and isolated. I’m starting to avoid talking to him because I’m afraid of getting into an argument.
What can I do? I love my husband, but I can’t live like this anymore.
Deepa, 41, Glasgow
Dear Deepa,
Oh my goodness, I am seeing a lot of red flags here. Being a part of a couple means that each individual person is respected and treated with kindness, and if this is not happening in your relationship it’s not surprising that you’re starting to feel like you can’t go on.
No matter how much we love someone, not being listened to (or, as in your case, being constantly argued with) will very quickly erode the foundations of the relationship. A good partnership is based on love, trust and mutual respect – by not allowing you your voice, your partner is disrespecting you in the worst possible way.
Debating can be fun – it’s always good to be able to have a conversation, even if opinions wildly differ. However, if you never get a break from it, it can get truly draining. It sounds to me like you have reached this point in your relationship.
Normally, I would suggest that you sit down with your husband and have a good, honest discussion about what is going on and how it’s making you feel – but by the sounds of this your husband would use this as an excuse to start another argument!
I know you say you love your husband, but it could be that you have just got so used to how he is, and being in the relationship, that you can’t see that it can be better than this.
I am going to go ahead and suggest that you go for marriage counselling right away – I’m guessing it’s going to be difficult for you to get your point across without your husband taking it like a red flag to a bull.
A trained marriage counsellor can help you to express yourself in a way that your husband can understand, and they will also hold space and guide the conversation so that you both feel heard. You will also be given some very helpful ways of dealing with each other when you are not sitting in the counsellor’s office – fixing the problem is not an overnight thing, and every marriage takes a bit of work.
The fact that you are getting worried about even talking to your husband is not good for your relationship – we need to be able to communicate, particularly in our interactions with our loved ones. If he is not paying attention to what you say, and making you feel like you are becoming insecure, this could be a sign of something even darker going on.
There are a great many personality disorders out there which can make people behave a certain way, especially in romantic relationships, and it sounds like your husband has controlling aspects to his personality.
It could also be that your husband is not very emotionally mature – this is when people always feel the need to be right, and ignore others’ opinions and feelings, among other things. There are many ways that he can work on himself and allow your thoughts and opinions – but he has to be willing to put the work in!
It can be very easy to get sucked into revolving around your partner in a relationship, especially if you have some aspects which are making you feel isolated from your other loved ones. I would suggest that you make a lot of time for friends and for family as well as seeking out therapy, because having outside support in a difficult relationship is essential.
Good luck lovely.
Faith
