Hello Faith,
My dad has cancer, and I’m depressed. I’ve been feeling down for a while now, but it’s gotten worse since my dad was diagnosed. I’m constantly worried about him, and I feel like I can’t do anything to help.
I’m also trying to be strong for my mom and my siblings. But it’s hard. I feel like I’m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.
I’m starting to withdraw from my friends and family. I don’t feel like doing anything. I just want to stay in bed and cry.
I know that I need to get help, but I don’t know where to start. I’m afraid of what people will think. I don’t want to be a burden.
Gemma, 29, Birmingham
Dear Gemma,
First of all, let me tell you how very sorry I am to hear that your dad is not well. It’s the hardest thing in the world when a parent falls sick – after all, they have always been the strong, steady constants throughout all of our lives, and it can feel almost like a betrayal when they get ill.
I also want to thank you for reaching out – this is genuinely the best thing you could have done. It is so hard to ask for help, but you cannot help someone else if you are falling apart yourself.
The first thing you should do after reading this is to contact your GP. They will be able to refer you to some services that will be able to help you – there are a great many charities and organisations out there that are dedicated to helping family members to cope when one of them is poorly with something serious like cancer.
Also, I don’t know how you feel about this but there may be medication available to help you cope – this could be a temporary thing, just long enough to give you a bit of a respite from your feelings. However, if you were already feeling depressed before your dad’s diagnosis, this may well be something that your doctor might suggest. It’s definitely worth a try.
Therapy is also an incredibly helpful thing in situations like yours. Being able to unburden yourself to a professional who is entirely impartial can help to remove a lot of the weight from your shoulders. I would start to look around for a counsellor near you – if you cannot afford to go private, your GP can recommend you some help that is available on the NHS.
I also want to tell you that “being strong for your mum and siblings” is a heck of a burden. Chances are they see you as the strong one, and they like to lean on you as they always have done – but you don’t have to accept this position! He’s your dad too, and you also need – and deserve – support.
Finally, do try really hard to put down the feelings of being a “burden.” You are not a burden! You need to realise that your feelings are real and valid, and you truly deserve a chance to be heard and cared for. Anyone would struggle in your situation, you are completely normal and you are doing the best you can.
You and your family are going through a really hard time right now, and it may very well make you all grow closer together if you sit them all down and talk about how you’re feeling. Maybe your mum and siblings don’t realise how hard this all is for you – especially if you have always been the one that picks up all the pieces. It is probably very beneficial to call a family meeting and see if you can all talk things through and come to a conclusion – one that does not leave you being the only one who feels responsible for everything.
All the very best to you and your family.
Faith
