Hello Faith,
My wife is always angry. I don’t know what to do. I love her, but I’m starting to feel like I can’t walk on eggshells around her anymore.
It all started a few months ago. She was stressed out about work and she started taking it out on me. At first, I tried to be understanding. I knew that she was going through a tough time. But it just got worse and worse.
Now, she’s angry all the time. She gets mad at me for the smallest things. If I leave my dirty socks on the floor, she’ll start yelling at me. If I don’t agree with her on something, she’ll call me names.
I’m starting to feel really drained and emotionally exhausted. I’m afraid to say or do anything that might set her off. I’m starting to feel like I’m walking on eggshells around her all the time.
I’ve tried to talk to her about it, but she always denies that she’s angry. She says that I’m just being too sensitive.
What should I do?
Peter, 39, Cardiff
Dear Peter,
I am sorry to hear about the difficulties you are having. It’s really hard to be in a relationship where you feel as though you are walking on eggshells – in fact, I’ll go so far as to say that this is not a healthy environment.
Something that is not often talked about is that domestic abuse works both ways – usually the abuse comes from the man, but women are also guilty of it. Abuse does not necessarily mean physical abuse – mental abuse is just as damaging, and it is sadly very common.
If your wife is calling you names, this seems to be the start of a slippery slope. Has she always been like this? You say that this behaviour started when she was very stressed – of course, we understand that people can lash out when they’re feeling wound up and worried. However, it is not OK if this behaviour continues, because it will start to have a very detrimental effect on your life and your relationship.
I am also a little worried about your wife telling you that you are “too sensitive” – this sounds like gaslighting behaviour, which can leave you feeling confused, isolated, hurt and upset, and it can, over time, wreak havoc on your mental health.
I think you need to sit down with your wife and have a really good, honest conversation about how her behaviour is making you feel. It is possible that she doesn’t actually know how much this is affecting you, and she may just change her ways once she hears how bad you are feeling.
However, if she decides not to listen to what you are saying, or says hurtful things to you then you should take the matter further and suggest that she seeks help with anger management.
Some people have a really short fuse, and can literally fly off the handle for no reason at all. A trained therapist can help your wife to find coping techniques for when she’s feeling stressed, and can suggest ways for her to better manage her temper.
Marriage counselling is another possibility – getting together with a therapist can help to resolve a lot of issues, and can even winkle out home truths that neither of you are even aware of. Perhaps she is feeling overwhelmed with responsibility and mental load, and you leaving your dirty socks on the floor is just one step too far?
In any relationship, we need to focus on both sides of the partnership – not to allocate blame, but to better understand each other. Talking to your wife may reveal things that she generally bottles up, and it can really help you both to move forward in your marriage.
Bear in mind what I said earlier about domestic abuse – if your situation does not improve with counselling and therapy, or if the name calling becomes more persistent or things get physical, you should definitely seek outside help – there are a great many charities that you can get in touch with who will help you.
All the best to you.
Faith
